Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
