I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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