You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
