I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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