Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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