I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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