I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
