Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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