plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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