U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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