Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
