Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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