i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
