im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
