Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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