I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
