I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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