loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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