according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
