No stitches, just platelets and will power
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
