i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
