he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
