She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hippo gnu deer
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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