Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”