K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
