I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
