You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
