But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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