So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
