Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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