Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
