he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im part way to drunk.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
