$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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