i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
