No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
