Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
