she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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