I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
