Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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