Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
