I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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