You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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