I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
