In the future we'll all be gay
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
