i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
