Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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