I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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