did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
did you just send me my own nude
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
