Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
