did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
