I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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