Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
