overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Text me some of your sweat
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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