Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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