Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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