Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
