I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
