I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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