Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
