I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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