So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
