we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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